It's 4 am and I'm wide awake. This feeling sucks. What's incredible is that I'm running on at most 3 hours of good sleep in the last two days. Easter Sunday was perhaps one of the most unusual days of my life. My spiritual life grew immensely after OIL and then came to a screaming halt the week before spring break. However, I was and still am reminded about how far apart I have come from God. I receive all these blessings; yet, I don't feel like I deserve any of it. I cannot wait to finish college. I want to work for everything that I have to feel like I deserve what I have. But God continues to rain down his blessings and I am so rebuked by it.
Wow. It was really hard to tell myself or even come to accept any of that for the past three weeks. Sunday and Monday (yesterday) were one of my joyfullest days. I love my family in-and-out. I miss them everyday. Before, I just wondered how they were doing; now, I'm actually calling them to see how they're doing. I believe it's my inner desire to find love (be it women, family, or friends) that keeps me going. There were times were I felt so alone that it felt like no one was even attempting to reach out to me. That was bullshit. I just closed myself off from everyone, resulting in an increasing number of deteriorating relationships.
Help! Great song by the Beatles. I'm not sure if it's another epiphany, but the extent of my independence has reached the borders of ignorance and stupidity. I appreciate all the help I received from my family and my friends through my growing years. I didn't realize how much they've helped me grow into the person I am now. Sure, many of the times it didn't seem like help, but every encounter I've had in my life slowly built the perception of the world I have now. I refused to ask for help from anybody and selfishly demanded it instead. I never reached out thinking that my pride was always at stake. Asking questions is what the intellectual elites do. I failed in that realm numerous times.
I have a collection of random memories that serve no purpose to me other than to remind myself (regret) of what I could or should have done and will do in the future. Learning from mistakes is something I'm far better prepared for. It's depressing to realize that I had to make many along the way. I'm not trying to imply that I am sad - far from it. I have my down moments, but more than 80% of the time I am happy. Having the wide range of emotions is what makes us human. Feeling sad or pain is completely washed away by joy and laughter.
The past three months (pseudo-summer) were the warmest months on record. Where does the flashing warning about climate change come in? Much of the environment is changing, and yet we're all imprisoned by the media machine that stops us from preventing that change from becoming catastrophic. I am by no means pushing for a liberal agenda. I support the human agenda - that is the survival of the human race. To do so, everyone has to work for money that supports the pleasant lifestyle that we're fortunate enough to even have. The Syrians are going through one of the bloodiest civil wars in the decade, and 350 million Americans continue to live their lives only glancing at the news.
To put it into perspective, we as a first world nation have an abundance of resources that allow us to live in luxury. Many of our arguments stem from our own search for survival. That is simply what humans do. We fight in different ways to survive for what's best for ourselves, our families, our friends, and our future. The meaning of life is to live, and the meaning of death is to die. We innately carry these definitions, not as mere words, but by our scope of what surrounds us. Americans have their battles to fight in order to support our loved ones; Syrians are undergoing the same battle but with casualties. Our policies that affect them also affect us. (foreign affairs, economics, resources, media, sports) As humans, we fight to survive. (Currently, I'm fighting to fix my sleeping schedule and get some quality beauty sleep.)
I guess this insomnia dilemma is a good thing too. Everything I just wrote was stream of consciousness. Kinda like free flowing down a river without my lips making a single quiver. (Har har)
What's on my mind? My math midterm in 29 hours that I am not ready for, my family, my fantasy teams rocking in the playoffs, the amount of work I have to do to earn a paycheck, when and where to apply for jobs, editing my resume and cover letters by taking a deep look at what I've gained these past few years, the ACS certification that comes with my degree, my new computer that I am feeling guilty that I ordered, how the Cubs and the Bulls are going to do in the next month, slipping away from my spiritual life in many ways, what to do after I start working, getting back to the gym, working to refine my approach to money, finishing each task like I tried my best, looking to become the best son, husband, and father, finding not "the one" but someone I can share moments with, working hard for everything I've wanted in life, and fighting to survive through thick and thin.
I guess I have a lot on my mind, which is both good and bad. YES! I feel tired. Perfect timing. Good night world.
