I'm coming off the worst day of my life. Ever. The events have unfolded in such a way that I have never been so screwed before. My professor hates me and refuses to help me unless I have something complete to show him. Problem is that I don't have the slightest idea what to do because many of the questions I have requires him telling me what to do rather than telling me what I should be thinking about. I went into see my advisor and she told me that not only am I not graduating this semester, but the major I thought I was doing is not what I'm doing. I need one more class to graduate, and the degree I thought I was seeking is ranked one of the hardest in the university. The degree I would graduate with is by far one of the easiest degrees in the university as it is part of the easy Pre-Med majors that I despise. I just wasted 3 and a half years to come so close to fall very deep. On top of all of this, I have a sickness that doesn't seem like is going away and I'm in between a rock and a hard place. The past 2 hours seem like 127 hours have just passed by. I just sat in the Courtyard for an hour reflecting about the past year, the past two years, the past three years, the past life.
In an uncanny way, I am totally fine with all of this. Much of what has happened thus far is my fault. I can't blame anyone because I put myself in this situation. I complain because I have no other outlet of expressing my frustration. During my reflection, I thought about things that mattered and things that don't matter.
Up to this point in my life, I have surrounded myself with people I think are friends while claiming to be an independent person. The act alone is hypocritical because an independent person does not need the amount of acquaintances that I have met. Although I do have a great passion for caring about others, it doesn't translate into my personal life. I tend to the stranger more than I do to friends. I think the root of this is probably because of the lack of consistent friends due to the numerous times I have moved from home to home and from school to school. I simply have no idea how to be a great friend, but I try to be the Good Samaritan regardless of the situation I'm in. I should apologize to my closest friends for being so translucent. I realize now that I did not intend to be an asshole when I meant to be a friend. Most of those situations were in the past, but have molded the relationships I currently have.
I have no idea how to explain how vivid my memory is. I can recall things from the past in a picture perfect way. In 2nd grade, the first time I ever experienced sunny rain was while I was walking back by myself towards the daycare center. I looked up and didn't see a cloud in sight. Perplexed, I asked the teachers what was going on. They had no idea, but I tried to fill in the blank by making guesses. To this day, I still have no idea why it rains without a cloud in sight. Maybe it was a giant sprinkler that flew by? Regardless, my memory fails me as often as a coin flip does. (No one has a perfect memory.)
I wonder why things happen in life, but it usually takes months or years for me to really understand what had occurred. Sometimes I feel regret; other times I am relieved. At this point I feel a little bit of both. My biggest regret is lying to myself and that is also my biggest relief. I hope from this point forward I stop lying to myself and live with the truth. I used to consider myself an honest person. There were times I was, but many times I wasn't. Reminds me of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar at the end of the movie.
My mom thinks I'm the best liar out there because she can never tell when I tell her the truth or a lie. It's probably because I conditioned myself to believe whatever lies I was about to spit out. The source of that lies with my mom. When my parents were going through a nasty divorce, the kind that people see in movies, my brother and I only relied on each other. At that point, I only cared for my brother and neither of my parents. Why? My mom was delusional and did not believe the accusations my dad made. My dad was delusional and did not believe the accusations my mom made. In turn, the two of the most stubborn people I have ever made turned to me as the mediator at the ripe age of nine.
I simply do not understand the lack of logic. How does a nine year old cope with such things? At that time, I felt like I could tackle the issue in order to protect the brother I love. I was the hero in the many Disney movies my brother and I watched together. I was the Tommy, the Green/White Ranger. I was the hero who could save the day. I did everything my parents asked of me. I became very neutral and unbiased because I thought I loved both parents equally. No one knew. That was my darkest, deepest secret. I believe that's why my life has shaped into the way it has because of what I did at such a young age. I consider myself very neutral at many things; I look at both sides before making an established opinion; I have trouble picking what to eat whenever I go to restaurants.
My parents' problems became my problem. I tried my best to shield my brother from as much of the problem. That act defined a characteristic I believe is a big part of me. I have an undying loyalty and want to protect those who are close to me. An example would be the fact that I currently attend the university, which amazed me since I was about eleven. It was my dream school, and I completely forgot about it until now. It makes more sense why I never considered other schools except this shitty one. At this point there is nothing I can do but move forward with the problem I put myself in. I had opportunities to go to better schools, but I simply didn't consider them because in high school I for some reason always wanted to come here. Figures.
The relationship I have with my brother has come full circle. As a child, I always watched over my brother. I made sure the bullies who wanted to pick fights with him only picked fights with me. I remember coming home from playing with the neighborhood kids and having black eyes, telling my mom that I colored my eyes in. There was a certain kid who was desperately searching for my brother with a metal pole. It was pretty obvious. I told him to fight me instead and now I have a scar on my head. The kid wrongly sought to beat up my brother for things my brother never did, except for just being a certain race. Why? Growing up in poverty, you meet all sorts of people, mainly the ignorant.
Sadly, after moving to the suburbs, our relationship crashed like the Challenger. He resented me for moving us from the hectic city to the quiet suburbs. He has always been a bright student and that alone makes me very proud. He had many friends in the city, but my mom thought it would be best to move away from the city for many reasons. The main one being our future, which I was fucking up by associating myself with the wrong crowd and in turn made my grades start to slide; the other being my dad, which seems pretty stupid but had to be done for my mom's sake.
Today, things are much smoother than they have been in the past because I've aged with wisdom and realized how selfish I used to be in high school. High school - the time to conform. Although being social and trying to fit in is the norm for the average teenager, I really wished I listened to my closer friends. I understand now when one of my close friends always said to me that I was wasting my potential with the habits I had and still have. He was very perceptive and gave me his best advice. Instead, I lied to myself and told him that he was the liar, the false prophet. Even his name foretold the truth years later. At the time I just wanted to be average.
Nowadays, people keep telling me I'm a nerd when I spill out any knowledge I have amassed in the past. What I'm about to say is very condescending, but being smart doesn't mean you're a nerd and I'm very proud about how much I know (and still want to know). If you have the ability to learn, then you should learn and not flock with the masses. Generally, the average person is just average. I yearn to be more than average, better than average, not average. It doesn't bother me when people call me a nerd because I know so much information. A lot of me knowing information isn't because I study it or because I want to learn it, most of the time I just retain the information well. It was a useful skill for cramming in high school.
After today, I have never been more inspired. It took me to hit my own rock bottom in order for me to realize many things. Even the silly things. I was never a big drinker because it's liquid poison and the drunkenness is just an unnatural chemical reaction. Smoking cigarettes is literally the suffocation of the lungs. I have always liked girls in different ways. Girls I loved I would never tell; girls I didn't love I told them. Girls are my downfall because I have the ability to make a commitment and stick to that commitment. The thought of marriage is frightening because it's the rest of my life with another person. The thought of marriage is fruitful because it's the rest of my life with another person. Children are going to be a blessing and a half. Sports is an addiction that I should break. It consumes a lot of my time. But maybe that's just what passion is? Reading about history is pointless because it remains in the past. Reading about history is important because the past repeats itself. Showing emotions is weakness. Showing no emotions is weakness. Duality or equilibrium? Either way is fine with me.
For Lent, I want to become a better man, a better son, a better brother, a better citizen, a better Christian, a better student, and a better me. It's not about what I'm sacrificing; it's about what I'm changing.
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