Ultimatum

The sun came up awhile ago. The garbage trucks have picked up the usual. The sound of the buses have returned. The birds chirp once again. The dumb dog who barks at everything is outside taking its daily poop. The aroma released from the brown juice pulls all that is groggy toward it. The shower steams up the bathroom. A typical monday morning.. Oh wait, I haven't slept yet.

Insomnia. I haven't had insomnia for little over a week now. Same reasons, different time. I have no regrets about the past weeks. Although I managed to get nothing done, I find myself in a better position than I was 72 hours ago. I guess I need something intense in my life for me to realize certain things.

I am currently reading a short novel by Allen Carr. It's to prevent me from smoking. Although I have had the occasional light from here to there, I do in fact intend to quit smoking. I want to live a longer, healthier lifestyle. It's teaching me all sorts about being fearless during the process. I am starting to have a better understanding of fear.

Fear. Many scientists believe that a natural bodily reaction known as fight or flight gives a reasonable explanation for bravery and cowardice. Carr suggests that millions continue to smoke because they fear the lifestyle without nicotine. An example of mind over matter, the strength of the human mind and body. To simply rid yourself of an addiction seems absurd, but it gives hope. A lot of the fear becomes quelled after learning of the hope that can be carried on into the future. It may sound pretty redundant, but it's a fascinating concept. Everyone hears of the stories about those who overcome the most terrifying scenarios, but how could they have without any hope? Fear and hope are juxtaposed as much as right and wrong.

Now, I sit in bed, waiting for class to begin. Sleeping at this point is useless because I have not been this awake for several days. The exhaustion piled up and hit its max after the Bears lost to the fucking Packers 21-14. I was hoping Hanie would take it downfield and tie the game. I applaud the Bears for such a great season. As Cubs fans everywhere say, "There's always next year".

Worrying. I think my insomnia is a result of my knack for worrying, which I inherited from my mom. I am worried about my future. I want to do well. I want to be successful. I want to provide for my family. I want to make sure my kids don't live the same life as me. I want the world to be a better place once I retire. These are the same goals I have had since middle school.

This chubby kid from the city is slowly making his way onto the real world. With no nepotism at my disposal, I really am on my own. But, I realize now that the position I am in is the one I have craved the most. I chose science over business to further challenge myself with the uncertainties that come along with chemistry. After four years, irony could not have been a better world. I loved to do chemistry only because I knew there was an answer for EVERY question. I hated business because of the uncertainty that comes along with pursuing a life revolving around money. At this point, I am beyond overwhelmed. I do not know where my life is headed in the next five years. Whether it be the military, the government, school, hospitals, or even banks, I have not committed to anything beyond graduation.

Knowing. There comes a price for the insatiable thirst for knowledge. Every question has an answer. Rhetorical questions? Sarcasm? Really? I have been obsessed with knowing every detail about everything my entire life. The habit of becoming a know-it-all temporarily died until I came to college. Keeping my mouth shut about things that might make seem nerdy or geeky became a huge habit during high school. Coming to college, knowing many things becomes impressive to some and cocky to others. I carried the confidence that I could learn anything. I wanted to retain things so that the next time anyone had any qualms about history (or whatever) I would be there to answer. I try to squelch myself from time to time, but I only manage to find myself knowing that I brought up a bunch of random, useless information.

I washed my face and looked myself in the mirror. I have slowly come to realize that I do not in fact enjoy the lifestyle that I have become so heavily entrenched in. I do not enjoy ruining the equilibrium of the day. The nights become days and the days become night. The lights become brighter, the sounds become more intense. However, I do enjoy the ride. That is my ultimate downfall.

Jonah. I prayed for the first time in years. Hopefully it won't be my last time. I am still mixed about it, but I do not regret what has transpired. The path that is unforeseen..

Letter. Amidst all the binging, common themes come up. The stereotypical crazy partying scene from Garden State comes to mind most of the time. A majority of the time has been spent like that. The few intense thoughts that come to mind have popped up. I talked about it with certain people and it was pretty enjoyable just talking about it. Much of what I write on this blog does not even scratch the surface of what truly goes on inside. Luck, coincidence, fate. Those words mean nothing to me except that things happen (regardless of a higher meaning). After much thinking, I have decided to move forward after writing it all down in pen(cil).

Dang, it still sucks being wide awake.

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